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Diaryrings

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2003-11-15 - 11:54 a.m.

Yesterday, I was thirty seconds late to work. Thirty seconds there is as bad as thirty minutes. You're late, and you only get twelve of those a year before you get hauled down to HR and get a permanent mark on your record. I think it's only fifteen a year before they seriously consider throwing away the years and money they've invested in you and think about firing you.

The reason I was late to work was one reason with many parts. Basically, everyone in Orlando had lost his penis yesterday.

There was Jerk Man in the Infiniti, who decided he was going to merge in to a center lane from the right lane at the same time I was going to merge in to the center lane from the left lane. I had my signal on. He did not. There was plenty of time for us both to get in the lane, had he used his brain, but since he was a dork in a used black Infiniti, he opted not to. Instead, he swerved in front of me, but dangerously close, and decided that he was going to teach me the error of my ways (daring to think I was permitted to act in accordance with traffic laws when he did not want me to) by giving me the finger. Yes, this asshole forty-year-old salt-and-pepper useless dickless wonder in a used Infiniti gave me the finger.

It went from there. Everyone was driving ten miles below the speed limit, and driving so defensively that it was actually offensive. I had to look out for everyone on the road because they were being such incredible pussies.

Normally I don't use these words to describe people, but I swear, every male driver in Orlando yesterday morning WOKE UP WITHOUT A PENIS.

I seriously considered calling Will when I got in to the office to make sure his was still on, but since he proved that it was to me last night it turned out to be unnecessary.

The rest of Orlando, please find your errant penises and reattach them. And don't you ever, EVER give me the finger when you are being a dipshit and I am not, or I will rip your penis BACK OFF and make you EAT IT.

That is all.

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