Diary of the Red Queen, Mama & Lunatic
Diary of the Red Queen, Mama & Lunatic
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2001-07-22 - 5:41 p.m. Once upon a time there was a girl who moved to a new city because of a boy and a job, neither of which she has anymore. The job is gone, and that's good, because it sucked. Actually, the job was OK, but the coworkers sucked. That's it. And that's not a fun way to live your life. But the boy took a hike--several times, actually, and that wasn't a good thing. It took the girl a very long time to get the message through her head that the boy didn't want her around anymore. He probably thought she was a little slow, which might be true, at least in these matters. The biggest problem was that she didn't feel worthy of him. Ever. She never had that much self-esteem, and we won't go into why, but it has something to do with moving and teasing and fourth grade and high school and blah blah blah everybody's got a story like this. But because she didn't feel worthy of him, she didn't know quite how to act around him. She tried never to upset him, and this only managed to make her angry, because she's not a bottling-it-up kind of girl. And because she tried never to upset him or say the wrong thing, because she was afraid that the littlest thing might set off a breakup, she probably wasn't very interesting or fun to be around. But she was trying to get used to a new city, as well, where she didn't really know anybody. She hadn't realized that a new city and a new job is probably not the easiest time to get a new relationship, either. So things went slowly. All she needed was time, but she didn't know that, and it didn't matter anyway, because she wasn't given it. She's wished so many times since then that he'd tried to talk to her, really talk, before acting, before creating the different sort of breach that hadn't been there before. But you can wish with all your heart for this relationship to be different, you can care with your whole being about that person, but the fact is, fate traps you. It was never going to give you a fair chance anyway. TRQ
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