Diary of the Red Queen, Mama & Lunatic
Diary of the Red Queen, Mama & Lunatic
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2001-12-01 - 6:12 p.m. Everyone knows my diary is only one side of the story. Read Valerian's disclaimer if you don't know what diaries are really for. I kept telling him about it, hoping he'd read it, so that I could get his side of the story. But he never would, just like he always refused to discuss the relationship when I wanted to. Now he blames me for everything that has gone wrong in his life. It's all because of me and the diary. See, I keep forgetting that. Whatever goes wrong in any relationship, or whatever goes wrong in the life of anyone I date or have dated, whatever it is, it is always unequivocally my fault. I apologize. I have to say, I have never loved anything as much as I loved Nick. As I still do love him. I mean, yes, there are plenty of uncomplimentary things about him in this diary. But they were only upset-for-the-time-it-took-to-write-them-down things. I pretty much only note the unusual things in this diary. I don't usually note when I take a shower or feed the cat or when I get a hug from Nick, because those were things that happened a lot more than most things I listed here. But I guess that doesn't count for much. Why do you think he ended the relationship and not me? Obviously, because I still thought it was worth it. I still loved him. I still thought we had more good times than bad. To quote Valerian: ...he's probably not nearly as big an asshole as I make him out to be, here. This is my diary, remember, so everything is incredibly skewed toward my POV. I'm sure MS could rattle off a pretty healthy list of mistakes I've made in the last 8 years, too (and maybe someday I'll be brave enough to ask him to do so for me). In other words, if you're one of the handful of people reading this who is actually acquainted w/ MS: don't write him off as a loser w/o listening to his side of the story first. Reminds me of something I read years ago: other people are only mirrors. You cannot love or hate something about someone that is not a reflection of something you love or hate about yourself. Well, something like that, anyway. I'm not convinced that it's strictly true, but in this case, at least, I think it holds some merit. I think a big part of why I'm so pissed off at MS for being so self-absorbed & clueless is because I'm even more pissed at myself for being so self-absorbed & clueless. TRQ
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