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Diaryrings

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2002-02-14 - 3:17 p.m.

Valentine's Day has always been important to me, in the same way that fairy tales like "Cinderella," or my favorite, "Sleeping Beauty," have been important. The day is a symbol of what I have to believe is possible, what I might have, one day.

I sure haven't had it yet. Three times I have had a significant other on Valentine's Day. One of those days started off well, but ended up in a huge fight like he and I always had, and since he's who I refer to as "the abusive ex," I don't count that as a success. Another I was in a relationship that was on the wane. All physicality had been removed from the relationship and though we were still good friends, we definitely couldn't be considered "sweethearts" anymore. Last year, I was with Nick, and that was nice, but it just drives home the fact that this year, he isn't here.

I'd always adopted Valentine's Day as my own personal holiday as it's so close to my birthday. In school I'd always dress up, frequently in my red felt poodle skirt with hearts, and distribute candy. That didn't mean I got dates, oh no. I'm the ace of hearts, not the queen of hearts, remember? It's always been a fluke when I've been with someone, and much more typical for me to stand at the wall watching others dance.

This year, here I am again, at the wall, watching others dance. Maybe that's because I don't want to settle. Maybe that's because I have rotten luck. Maybe that's because I'm just not meant to have something lasting in this lifetime, but rather to stand back and watch from the sidelines as others do.

I suppose it's better than settling.

Many of my net acquaintances are railing against the holiday for its commercialism (presents never mattered much to me) or the fact they don't have anyone. But I still approve of Valentine's Day. It gives me something to wish for.

(signed)

Your Personal Wallflower

There's not much of a trick to playing safely, baby
People do it every day
You can see them living sensibly with lots of care
Lonely in a cautious way
You be alone for me
I'll be alone for you
One and one people alone make two
Let's stir things up a bit
Throw the pieces up to the sky

Baby, I want scary kisses
I want hits and I want misses
I want hell and I want bliss
And all that soars between it
And if you give me safety
In a short time, I'll be driven crazy
I would rather run and fall
Than take no chance at all

I would rather sit here by myself that settle down
With someone safe and sound
I kind of like a little trouble every now and then
Someone with the nerve to break ground
You take a look for me
I'll take a look for you
We'll find that it's not so bad
It's just new
Let's stir things up a bit
Throw the pieces up to the sky

Baby, I want scary kisses
I want hits and I want misses
I want hell and I want bliss
And all that soars between it
And if you give me safety
In a short time, I'll be driven crazy
I would rather run and fall
Than take no chance at all
And if we break or if we bruise
It won't be the worst of news
We will just get up again
Start over on the count of ten
And if we scar or if we break
It'll be our own mistake
Put it down to what we know
Then have another go

And take it on the chin
And just begin again
Run your fingers through the flame
And I will do the same
Together we will fall
Together we will rise
Together we will do everything but compromise.

--"Scary Kisses" by Voice of the Beehive

TRQ

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