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Diaryrings

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2001-11-23 - 6:30 p.m.

This is bullshit.

Who was it that got to decide that I'm not worthy of a relationship? Or at least a lasting one that doesn't turn into Dysfunction Fest or make me dissolve into depression once (insert name of whatever boyfriend it is) gives me the boot.

All I want is my fair share.

I know why I didn't get dates in high school, and I've certainly fixed that part of my personality. Getting dates isn't the problem. Having a relationship that doesn't make whomever I'm dating feel that he has to get out at all costs is the problem.

Dating someone who would rather be with me than with a generic girl seems to be a problem too. I can't figure out how to make that work.

And what the fuck is up with Nick telling me that he wishes I would go have some casual sex?

I can't do that.

Right now, he's all I want. I can't think about anybody else but him. I knew it was going to hurt when he left me but I didn't know it was going to be this bad. Life has lost all its color.

"I hate that I hurt you," he told me. "I resent that I did because it's making me feel bad." (It turns out that he resents everyone he loves because of this guilt from making them feel bad.) "When I see you curled up with your teddy bear, crying, it just breaks my heart."

Then what, Romeo?

Then what?

...This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I'm always waiting on a different story
This time, I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking
I've been wrong, I've been down
To the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"

TRQ

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