Diary of the Red Queen, Mama & Lunatic
Diary of the Red Queen, Mama & Lunatic
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2002-03-11 - 12:01 p.m. I was thinking about the going-away party that my roommate John and I had before we both left Evanston in September of 1998. He was leaving for grad school in Michigan, and I was leaving for Connecticut to search for a job in New York City, so we were both saying goodbye to the town we'd spent our undergrad career (and the past four years) in. We invited all our friends (who were about 99% mutual friends anyway), and I replaced all the light bulbs in the living room with red bulbs so we had our own Red Light District. That apartment was right next to the Foster el stop on the Purple line so it frequently shook with passing trains. That just added to the atmosphere, though. If you go to Evanston, you can find my last apartment there by looking for the building with "KRISTIANNA" written in gold above the door. I had my strobe light going in the hallway and copied a page from a vampire role-playing game book, colored it, and wrote "ici" on it to put on our door. (Most of our friends were gamers, as were we, so we knew they'd get the reference.) People from school and from town joined us at our party. I organized the music, which consisted of a huge combination of things but featured the soundtrack to A Life Less Ordinary, my favorite movie. My friend Will was there. Will was an awfully nice guy. He graduated in 1998 with the rest of us but was a year older as he'd been in the five-year Engineering co-op program, where you go to school 2/3 of the school year and spend 1/3 of the school year working at an engineering company. Will already had a job with a local company, and he referred to himself as a "rocket scientist," which he pretty much was. Will had been going out with my other friend (and RA from the dorms), Karen, for quite awhile. However, Will had gotten a bit confused during our senior year and decided that because he felt some attraction toward me, that he wasn't being fair to Karen, and so he cut things off with her. It took quite a lot of everyone talking to him to get all of that straightened out. You know, talk of the type of "Look, attraction is one thing, but you would never, ever cheat and Karen means much more to you! What were you THINKING?!" Heh. But that summer, Karen and Will broke it off for good, but on good terms. They were going to be living in different cities, after all, and didn't really see a future for themselves as anything but friends. Will was at my party as a single guy. Another person who was at my party in the same capacity (that is, single) was Aryeh. Aryeh was a very good-looking young man of 17, who I'd known through gaming since he was 15. All I had to say about him was... meow. So anyway, I and nearly everyone there proceeded to get extremely drunk, but in a fun way. I knew it was probably my last-ever college party, and I was going to enjoy the hell out of it. Well, after a few hours, I found myself sitting in between Aryeh and Will. Will was a bit trashed (like all of us) and kept looking at me in that hungry sort of way he'd been looking at me earlier in the year during the whole Karen situation. I admitted to myself I thought he was cute, but I knew in my heart I wouldn't hook up with him. It wouldn't have been right. Will was one of those admirable people who takes physical things quite seriously, but that meant that I couldn't think of him as a candidate for a fun snog, because it would have eventually hurt him too much. (I explained this to him three months later when he visited me in Connecticut, and he agreed with my assessment.) Aryeh, on the other hand, was one of those guys who looks innocent, but you know just really isn't. So when he made a move toward me, I didn't stop him, because I knew, oddly, that it would be "safe" to have some fun with him. Besides, I knew I didn't want to do anything more than kiss. That's always been my favorite thing anyway. So that is how I, at 21 and just graduated from college, came to have my sort-of-fling with a 17-year-old. And it wasn't anything more than kissing... but damn, was it good kissing! *faint* OK, I'm back. Well, I don't really know why I told this story, except that I enjoyed that evening and I didn't want it to be lost. And I suppose it also explains some of my actions in life. There's been more than one person who's expressed interest in me, but whether or not I do things depends on a lot more than just "am I attracted to them or not". I have no excuses, and I don't feel that I need any. I'm happy being me, and I was really happy to be me that night in September 1998. Nothing could be bring me closer. It's under my feet. That's what keeps me, Shifting the dream I suffer the dreams of a world gone mad That's what keeps me That's what keeps me, Lift me, lift me, That's what keeps me, That's what keeps me, Lift my hands, my eyes are still, I've longed for this to take me, TRQ
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